Whenever a woman wants more of a commitment than the man is willing to give her and yet she repeatedly goes back to him over and over again, she is suffering from what I call the unavailable man syndrome.
This can be as simple as wanting to go out on a date with a man you meet online and although he never asks you out, you continue emailing or texting.
Or this can be as complex as being in a relationship with a married man who promises to leave his wife but can’t seem to get around to it.
When you are in this dynamic there is an endless cycle of pursue and withdraw. You pursue, you ask for more, you try to negotiate to get what you want. Sometimes he will agree to your terms but not follow through or sometimes he may just say no. And then just as you are about to move on he will call you. And the cycle starts again.
Does this sound familiar?
But when looking more closely at this situation what it usually comes down to is this…
“I always want the one I can’t have…”
And guess what… women are not the only ones who suffer from this syndrome. I have talked to many men who experience the same dynamic. There was even a book about it- remember “Why Men Love Bitches”.
So let’s look at some case studies and discover how my clients finally got over the unavailable man syndrome.
One of my clients, we’ll call her Client No. 1, loves arrogant, very good looking men. Yes, she is attracted to “bad boys”. Whether it due to her traditional upbringing or never feeling good looking enough herself, the fact is that she wanted to tame a bad boy.
This is the man she winks at or sends emails to online. If she does meet this man, she will start to pursue him or try to please him and eventually she gets her heartbroken or her pride wounded.
Now let’s take Client No. 2. Client No. 2 finally got closure from her devastating heartbreak over her fiancée who called off the wedding for another woman, but then immediately fell for Mr. Unavailable. This man was in a career transition, was on the rebound and did not know where he was going with his life. But still she fell hard. She would always end up driving him around, paying for things and eventually ended up sleeping with him without a commitment. And guess what- after they became intimate he didn’t call. And she was devastated.
Finally, both of these women said enough! I am done with this type of guy. I am not pursuing men any longer. I am not manipulating events to see a man or run into him. I am not going take him back or rearrange my schedule to see him when he does not call me for a week or even two weeks. I am setting my standards and he will either show up or he won’t. If he doesn’t show up for me no matter how drawn to him I am, no matter how attracted I feel, I am going to walk away.
So guess what happened? A happy ending?
Well, Client No. 1 started dating only available and suitable men. And she was not interested in any of them!
They were as good looking or even better than the unavailable men she dated before. But she just did not feel a spark and after only one date she was ready to toss these great guys aside.
And the same thing happened with Client No. 2! After her heartbreak from having sex with the guy she really liked and then never hearing from him again, she licked her wounds and decided to get back out there try again. Determined to do it differently this time.
She was set up on a date with a great guy, very good looking, never married but wanted to be married, no kids but wanted kids, active, fun and shared similar hobbies and interests as her. Well after one date, she was not interested in him. She said the spark wasn’t there.
So here are two women both attracted to unavailable bad boys and rejecting potential Mr. Rights because “there was no spark”.
So what did I tell them- let’s dig into your self esteem issues? No.
I simply explained that they had come to associate rejection with love. Wanting these unavailable men was more about winning than about love. And many, many marriages are ending today because even if you did “win” and married this man, once you had him you would not want him anymore. Do you know why? Because if he is not showing for you when you are dating he is not going to suddenly change just because you are married.
And then I asked this question- “Are you ready to put this in the past”? Because it is as simple as making that choice.
M Scott Peck in his book “The Road Less Traveled” says “Love is a decision”.
Neil Donald Walsh says “Most people think love is a reaction. They think it is something that you either feel or you don’t. People decide to feel love by opening themselves to something they felt and knew before. People decide not to feel love by closing themselves to what they felt and knew before.”
So in this case you can choose to open yourselves to feeling attraction for the bad boy, unavailable man who will reject you or allow yourself to feel and generate chemistry with the quality man who has the potential to develop a real relationship with you.
It is a decision and it is your choice.
So how do these case studies end?
Well Client No. 1 decided to go out with this man again and this time allow herself to feel chemistry, to flirt with him and be open to the possibility that she could feel love.
And as for Client No. 2- Guess what? She just got married to the man she was not interested in! She became very clear she was done with bad boys once and for all, she set up another date with the man and gave him a chance- a real chance.
She learned how to date for a relationship and after just a few months she had fallen in love with him and within six months they were engaged!
And I know that Client No. 1 will soon be having a similar story!
How about you? What choice will you make?