Do you feel like you have a sign on your forehead that says “I am a target for unavailable men?”
I know many women who feel this way.
Let’s take Kim for example.
Brad winked at Kim on Match.com. She thought he was cute so she emailed him. They exchanged emails and he asked Kim for her number. The next day he text her – “hey gorgeous”. Kim was pretty happy to hear from him. Soon Brad was texting her almost every day. In his texts he was very sweet and complimentary. He always asked about her day and seemed very interested in her and her life. She started looking forward to his texts and hearing from him so regularly made her feel good.
But after weeks of texting there was still not a date in sight. She loved how considerate and interested in her he was, but how could they ever be in a real relationship if they never met?
Brad is exhibiting Unavailable Man Warning Sign Number 1 – too much technology without ever meeting in person. He is willing to have a text messaging or phone relationship but does nothing to move the relationship forward in person.
Or maybe you have been in Carol’s situation before-
Carol met Craig through a mutual friend and they hit it off right away. He asked for her number and they talked on the phone a few times and had really great conversations. He asked her out to dinner and soon that progressed to regular dates. Carol was so excited things seemed to be moving along really well.
After several months they would go to dinner or hang out at her house about once a week. She heard from him daily- he sent her cute text messages. When they were together he seemed to really care about her. He would say things like, you know I am always here for you.
But Carol wanted their relationship to progress. When she would bring up making future plans or going on vacation together he would say things “ that sound great, we will baby, I am just really busy with work right now, but we will go soon” but he never seemed to follow through.
Then he would make plans to go to Vegas with his friends, or a Laker’s game and she was never invited.
Not only that, but he was often late for their dates or canceled at the last minute. He would apologize profusely, kiss her and compliment her saying “baby don’t be mad, you know I care about you” something just came up at work.
Carol really liked Craig and they have an amazing time together. She did not want to lose him but she was feeling really frustrated. She would drops hints, or ask him to do things and he kept putting it off. It was almost a year and Carol kept hoping things will change but they never do.
Craig’s behavior is exhibiting Unavailable Man Warning Sign No. 2 – HIS WORDS AND ACTIONS DO NOT MATCH. He says I care about you, he says I am there for you, but his actions show that Carol is not a priority in his life.
Another Unavailable Man Scenario you may recognize is Kelly.
Kelly went out with a man who recently separated from his wife. They split up about 6 months ago and they had not filed divorce papers yet. He said he was ready for a relationship, but he still often talked about his wife and sometimes even became emotional. Kelly really felt for him, he obviously needed someone to talk to and she wanted to be there for him.
As they continued to see each Kelly began to really like him. They spend the weekends together when he did not have his kids and even went out of town together. They always had a great time and Brad was a great catch! Smart, funny successful and a family man.
But after six months, although Brad and his wife filed divorce papers, Kelly still had not met his kids and the holidays were coming up. She wanted to make some plans and to spend them together. When she finally got up the courage to ask if he planned to spend any time with her over the holidays he confessed that he was just not ready for that and was not sure when he would be.
Now she was facing another holiday season alone. The old sadness and despair started to creep back in. She was sick of being the extra chair at Thanksgiving and attending holiday parties alone. She was tired of being asked so are you seeing someone, I thought you were dating someone-where is he? Then watching her well meaning family and friends exchange those looks when she had to tell them it did not work out- again.
Unavailable Man Warning Sign No. 3 – SEPARATED OR A RECENT BREAKUP. Even though Brad was a great guy and probably had good intentions it was way too early to get involved with him.
What about Sharon’s love at first sight that turned into heartbreak!
Sharon met Roger and they had an instant connection right away. Their first date ended up lasting hours and they made out passionately. It felt so good to feel that kind of chemistry. That week he sent her texts every day and called her every night. They talked for hours. He implied that he thought he had finally found the one. He asked her questions about how many children she wanted, how often she liked to travel, if she was a bed hog.
Sharon was ecstatic and thought she had found the one, too. They made plans for Friday night. He text her that he could not wait to see he and she had butterflies in her stomach. She had not felt this happy in a long time!
They went out to dinner Friday and had such an amazing time and neither of them wanted the date to end. She ended up staying at his house until late Saturday afternoon.
On Sunday she did not hear from him and started to feel anxious. She could not understand what happened- Friday and Saturday were magical. She barely slept Sunday night and felt a sinking feeling in her stomach. He did text her on Monday “hey beautiful how are you” and she felt so relieved, she was just being paranoid, he was probably tired from lack of sleep. Instantly she text him back, “Great! So happy to hear from you! How was your Sunday, were you catching up on your sleep – lol. Can’t stop thinking about Friday and Saturday kissing emoticon. He text back yeah babe I rested up and wink emoticon. She did not hear back from him that day and he did not call that night.
She felt her anxiety grow again. What happened? He seemed so into her and they had so much fun. They had a connection that just does not come along everyday. Was it something she said, something she did? She wracked her brain replaying the weekend in her mind over and over trying to figure out where things went wrong.
The happiness of the week before was gone and she felt miserable. All week she checked her phone and could not concentrate. She felt sick to her stomach.
That week he did text her but the intensity from the previous week was gone and he did not call at all.
By Thursday he had not asked her out for the weekend. Not able to take it anymore and wondering what happened she called him. Her voice was weak and nervous. When he answered his tone was distant and he talked to her like a friend. When she asked about his plans for the weekend, he said he was really busy with work and was going out with the guys for a long overdue boys night. He would call her if he had some time. Weakly she said ok, well I’d love to see you so call me if you have time.
She hung up devastated- and started to cry.
Sometimes it’s not so dramatic as this- take Sondra who had an amazing first date with John. It lasted six hours and the conversation flowed. They talked about everything- their past heartbreaks, funny childhood stories next thing they knew they closed the restaurant down. Not wanting it to end, they decided to take a walk on the beach. The ended up making out for another hour when they reluctantly said goodbye. They both had to work tomorrow. Sondra was glowing, it was a magical first date. She was sure she would hear from him again, but to make sure he knew she was interest she told him – I would love to hear from you again.
John assured her he was going to call her and definitely would be hearing from him again.
But he never called.
She was devastated. Did she imagine that connection? The date lasted for SIX HOURS! What happened? Was she a bad kisser? Was he not attracted to her? Did she say something wrong?
She was so sick of being single, dating and going through this heartbreak. She wanted a real relationship, a relationship that would last beyond a few dates!
Unavailable Man Warning Sign No 4 – HE COMES ON VERY STRONG AT THE BEGINNING AND CREATES INTIMACY RIGHT AWAY.